Beans and Worms

Did I mention that I was a very young mother?  There were a lot of important things I did not know jumping in the ring so early.  It would have been nice to know that my boobs would never be the same again.  Or what is it with that dark line down the center of your stomach?  When you take them home they're like an itty bitty little Shar Pei puppy.  A tiny little Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man with all those adorable looking folds and wrinkles.  It took me a minute to figure out that I was supposed to clean those folds several times a day.  Milk and spit up sour quickly in tiny little folds.  I was so grossed out.  I am sorry to my first born, who involuntary became the test run.  You didn't ask to become a guinea pig but, hey, you survived buddy!  I confess my poor housekeeping skills may have caused some little science experiments to grow in a few of those folds.  So, so gross.  But he got his revenge by hosing my face with Linda Blair style torpedoes.  I wasn't aware people could actually get distance like that, let alone a one month old infant.  So, so, so gross.

My little Beans were very good at doing gross things that those 'what to expect' books didn't talk about.  When my little red headed angel of a Bean, Bean Two to be exact, came to me one evening just before bed, he approached me with concern and a bit of fear in his face.  He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Momma, I have worms in my butt."  Just like that!  Mind you, I was a 22 year old single mother with three little Beans without worldly knowledge or medical education.  WTF!  Real worms?  Moving worms?  Glow worms?  What is happening?  Is this real life man?!  Oh my god oh my god oh my god!  I didn't know at the time about pin worms, so this was a completely alien and terrifying concept to me.  I checked him and, sweet baby jesus, he was right!!!!  In my complete panic thinking my Bean was being devoured from the inside out, Bean One shyly approaches me.  He taps on my arm gently and says, "Momma, I have worms too."  I nearly faint.  I check the baby Bean, and oh my god!  "Everyone put your shoes on! We're going to the hospital!"

Now, I can't even make this shit up!  I waddle into the ER, three Beans in tote, and lean in with panic in my eyes to tell registration that my Beans have worms INSIDE their bodies.  The Medical Assistant at reception didn't flinch.  She goes, "Uh huh.  Did you tell their doctor?"  I indicated the fuckers were just discovered and we rushed over, me fearing for their little Bean lives.  She goes, "Uh huh, have a seat" 

So, here we are in a packed ER waiting room with three little Beans scratching their itching butts way past their bed time.  Bean One, at the top of his lungs, inquires innocently, "Will the doctor take the worms out of my butt?"  Heads turned.  Bean Two needed to add something of importance to the conversation and advised us all that his worms come out of his butt at night and crawl on the bed.  People suddenly need to go outside for a smoke or find a more comfortable chair across the room.  I was dying inside.

Doc explained the whole pin worm process and how to take care of it.  It's funny now, but I really thought my Beans were in danger.  Now we are left with all the memories of the Beans talking loudly in public in a small town about their little worm adventure.